What is a role model?

Ever have someone in your life that inspires you?

Someone who makes you know there are good people in this world?

I have that person in my life. Yeah I know, I'm lucky. But when I tell you who that person is, you will realize how lucky I really am.

My role model is my Father, John Edward. I want to make this post to be dedicated to him because he is absolutely amazing. I could not imagine my life without him, he does so much for me as well as those around me.

My dad works hard at his job as an electrician for NB Power. He has supported my mother and I for many years. He makes sure we have what we need, and most times what he want, because he's super generous like that. When my mother became ill was when I seen the real man he is. He was there by her side everyday even if he didn't say much. If you knew him you'd know he's a man of few words with lots of jokes to bring a smile to your face. But when my mother was sick I seen my father step in as my mother's primary caregiver. That to me is huge. Not many men in society are seen in this particular role which makes this a bigger deal. He did it all. he did the wash making sure my mother had clean clothes while in the hospital or at home, he cooked, he cleaned, he got her anything she needed. He did it not because he had to but because he wanted to. I know when you love someone that is expected, but to me it feels as though he's done more than what should be expected.

Not only was he there for my mother during her sickness, but he was there for my nan as well. he would visit her in the hospital even if my mother wasn't with him. My Nan thought highly of him, I know this because of how many times she would tell me he was a great worker and how he's always so good to her and to everyone else.

My dad would do anything for anyone. You needed money he'd do what he could to help you out. You needed something fixed I know my dad would fix it. My dad is so kind hearted, so friendly, and never has a bad thing to say about anyone. I admire these qualities he has. I hope I continue to be like him. I look like my father, act like him and talk like him. If I can live up to my dad's life I would be set. My dad has taught me so much but the one thing he's taught me that I like most is "always try to put a smile on a  strangers face". It's something I try to do a lot.

I know how fortunate I am to have an amazing father. I hope I can some day repay him for the wonderful life he has given me, helping me through university, always trying to give me what he can. I know he's proud of me thus far and will be super proud of me when I graduate from university in May. I love my father and couldn't imagine my life with him.

Looking ahead...

I decided I should put up another post.

Wake is over, funeral is over, and I'm back in Fredericton once again.

Do I enjoy being back in Fredericton? not really. But that's life for the time being.

My mother finally made it home from the hospital. This made me very happy. She is still in pain, but that's expected after a week of surgery. I love her so much. It has breaks my heart more and more each time she goes through pain. Of course we never want out loved ones to experience any type of pain. We want to help them, make it go away if it's in our power. I cannot take my mother's pain away. But i try to remind her each time we talk how much she means to me, to tell her that I love her, and that everything is going to be okay.

Since November 2010 my life has been a roller coaster ride. I never know when I'll be up or down. Some weeks are good and others simply tear me apart. My mother has been through so much since November. I know I am fortunate to still have her here with me. She experienced a mini stroke, a bypass which basically turned into heart surgery, followed by a gallbladder attack, pancreatitis to finally having her gallbladder removed. As if she didn't have enough problems going on, she then lost her mother. A mother she was extremely close with. I can't imagine where she gets her strength, then again I know I'm as strong as I am because of the family I was born into. We're fighters till the very end, both the Carroll's and Vautour's.

I love who I am. I would never wish to be a part of another family. Each day I continue to learn more about myself through my family. I self reflect more than I realize.

Looking ahead, I have Graduation on May 15th. That is one of the only reasons I am still here.  If i can overcome this struggling year, I can overcome absolutely anything!! I believe that very strongly.

learning to let go

How do you say goodbye to someone you love dearly?

I still don't know. I still don't believe there is a goodbye.

Today was my nan's funeral. it was very emotional on more than one level. My mother was unable to attend her mother's funeral because she still isn't well. This made me sad inside but I knew my nan would understand. If anything she'd say "Donna, go lay down, get some rest". The funeral was beautiful, the church was jam packed and there was lots of tears. My nan would have loved it.

I didn't cry as much in the last couple days as I expected. I'm not the same Jen I was before my Nan passed away. There's someone with me. Someone watching over me perhaps.. I have some strength within me that I can't explain. I was that strong person hugging other people while they cried their hearts out. Some things are left unknown... for now.

I don't have to many feelings to talk about at this point. I currently have a broken heart because Im in Fredericton and not at home in Miramichi. They say home is where your heart is. I've learnt fast this year how true that really is.

I wish i could be home taking care of my mother whether it is at the hospital or at my parents home. I can't wait till this grad year is complete. It's truly been the roughest year of my life.  Maybe my nan will be at my graduation, I know she'd be proud of me for sticking it out till the end.

Learning to let go ..isn't as easy as one might hope.

She's gorgeous in this picture, but she's even more gorgeous now as an angel :)  Rest in Peace Nanny. Love you always and forever. xoxo

There must be Angels among us!

Today was my Nan's wake.

I know for a fact that someone was watching over me and someone was helping me through this difficult time. I was calm and mature during this difficult time and knew my Nan would be impressed with how I presented myself. Losing a loved one is hard, but having your own mother not well at the same time is really hard.

At 12:30 my father and I went to the hospital to pick up my Mother so we could go to the wake together. Since my mom's surgery, she's in pain, highly medicated and in need of a lot of rest. I can only imagine what she's going through and how she will be when she is healed. I believe that so many thoughts are running through her mind.

My mom got her day pass to attend this wake but had to return to the hospital afterwards as she still isn't being released. My mom was very drowsy and didn't look well but she put in a long couple hours at the funeral home. I was impressed with her but saddened inside knowing her circumstances.

I was at the wake for the evening without my parents. But I had lots of family to keep me strong. My nan was certainly loved, there were so many people there. I knew if my nan were here while having dementia, she would have said "who the f*ck are all these people?" hahaha. she would have said those exact words, honestly. My nan didn't hold anything back. I loved that about her.

Today she was like an Angel. She was so peaceful looking. and gorgeous? oh my god, she looked wonderful. She looked 30 years younger. it was perfect, just like she is.

I miss her a lot already. But i would never wish her to suffer and live the life she was living these past few years. I know she is with me, and wouldn't doubt it if she gave me the strength to make it through this day.

Tomorrow will be the final goodbye. I and all grandchildren are honorary paul bearers. I know Nan would have loved that :)

Life is about changes and the final stage to change is tomorrow. There are angels among us, I know this.

the sun is shining...

So today I arrived home in Miramichi with Steven and Billy.

Hearing my nan's death on the radio made it more real, not that it ever felt unreal...

our first stop? the hospital where I went and paid a visit to my mother who is still in the hospital recovering from her gallbladder surgery. My mom is in a lot of pain, still. It breaks my heart to see her in this state. Not only does she lose her mother who she was dearly close to but also continues to suffer from more than one surgery in 5 months.

Another way to look at it is from my mom to my nan i am clearly born in a family of strong women who never give up till the very end. I like that quality.

Tomorrow is my Nan's wake 2-4 and 7-9. I'm not near as worked up as I normally would be. I guess I wanted my Nan at peace and I know she is finally happy. That comes from strength and not being selfish, I know she'd be proud that I and many of family members feel the same way :)

I haven't seen many family members yet, but I'm sure in the next day I will.

so the sun is shining today.. I'm sure it's my Nan shining from above.

May the Lord grant me strength to get through this difficult time.

what makes you stronger...

I decided to re-start a blog to discuss my feelings because as of late I've had a lot feelings bottled inside.

Today March 18th, 2011: marks the death of my dear Nanny, Irene Vautour.

For anyone who knows me well enough will understand what I am really going through. I know death is a weakness of mine, I never deal with it well. But this time, things were a bit different on how I handled it. Maybe I've matured from the "I don't understand why you had to leave" and transitioned into the woman who accepts death as a good thing. I guess as I get older, I accept death more than I imagined I would. My Nan lived a good life, she was 82 years old. I know she will longer be suffering and will finally be at peace. For any understanding individual you couldn't ask for anything more.

My Nan was always in such good humor, she could make anyone laugh. My favorite saying that she would use would be "like a pigs nuts", or "I hung up the saddle, cuz my riding days are over". You would have to know my nan to fully understand. It wasn't till some of my relatives posted some of these funny sayings on facebook that I took a different approach with her death. Instead of grieving over her death, I've been trying to teach myself ways of not focusing on just the death but rather see it as a celebration.

She was a big Bingo player, she loved it. It was one of her favorite pastimes. I always played tv bingo or fun bingo as she would call it when I was home. She loved boost the strawberry kind, and to be honest it actually did taste good. I watched a lot of the same television shows as she did. She loved Friends, and Seinfeld, she's say look at that crazy Kramer and George and laugh. These are the things I want to think of my nan for.

My mother reminds me of my Nan a lot. The way she talks, smiles and acts. I'm glad I still have a piece of her with me. I'm worried about how my mom is doing. She hasn't been well lately. I can't imagine what it's like to lose a parent and I know someday I will, but i just can't imagine what my mom is going through right now.

I understand we all die, we age and die. It's the unfortunate fact of life. So tomorrow morning I head home with my brothers Steven and Billy to be with my family and to say my final goodbyes to my Nan. I just hope I have the strength to get through this difficult time. I've had so many supportive friends here for me, it means so much. No words can fully describe how much it means to me.

On a final note, my Nan will finally be reunited with lost family and friends especially with my Grandfather Benny whom I never had the opportunity to meet and my Uncle Gary who left us suddenly in 2004.

"there is no Goodbye, it's see you later"
Love you Nan, I look forward to our meeting down the road....

..what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger!